My wife is a beautiful woman. And sort of ageless, which is very rare for a redhead. She’s forty but people often think she’s ten years younger than that. I’ve seen high school boys look at her. She gets a lot of attention. And this is not just because of her physical meat package. She has a lovely kind warm smile and I don’t know much about auras or metaphysical things but I would have to say she has a good one. She is a very kind, self effacing, and real.
And she is one of those women who doesn’t know how good looking she is. She doesn’t wear makeup or sexy clothes. At least what you normally think of as provocative, with their tits up around their neck or high heel nonsense. She does however have a few peculiar sartorial quirks. She works as a high school guidance counselor and has explained to me she just got into the habit of business casual wear since that’s what is generally appropriate for educators. But I found some high school pictures in a yearbook she’d tried to squirrel away in her closet and she had the exact same outfit on then!
What she wears every day is a dark pair of slacks, navy or very dark charcoal. They fit high up on her hips and drape down them, hugging them loosely yet perfectly. She has long legs and the slacks make them look even longer. She pairs this with a cotton white woman’s blouse tailored to look like a men’s button down but cut attractively for the female form. It’s always tucked in of course. Her shoes are classic penny loafers in black, with the tiniest bit of an elevated heel. She looks like a sexy librarian. Or a sexy lady FBI agent. It still turns me on sometimes even though I’ve seen her a million times. She’s kind of nutty in this area. “It just makes me feel safe and ordered” she said once. My wife’s name is Marian.
All the kids call her by her first name too. She says surnames are for gasbags. I actually ask my patients to call me Joe now instead of Dr. Gardner because she teased me about it. I was a young brand new internist when we met and still nurturing notions of self importance and god complexity. At one point she overheard me telling a customer service agent I was on the phone with “That’s Doctor Gardner” and she laughed at me. But I took it like a man. She’s good at letting you know when you’re being a fool without getting your hackles up. This is one of the reasons she is so good at her job.
My wife really enjoys her work. She does a lot more than just help Sally pick out whether she’s going to do Home Ec or Typing on third period. She really helps these people. She singlehandedly got one kid to not only stop vandalizing the school but also achieve a C average by the end of the year-just by requiring him to attend behavioral modification themed chats with her twice a week (and his transformation was no small feat- this child was a habitual truant, and only showed up to school to tag the grounds with giant cartoon phalluses and defecate in the public bathroom sinks).
She’s driven kids to Planned Parenthood, when they could not get a ride or were terrified their strict parents might find out they were sexually active. Her kids are over at our house fairly frequently too. They adore her and I enjoy it too. A lot of these kids have some neglect or abuse issues going on at home, which I can relate to since my stepfather was an alcoholic bully. I knocked him out cold when I was sixteen though, and after that we had a fine understanding. Anyhow, one of Marian’s kids is named Carl, he’s a real nice kid and has been through some stuff as he has spent a lot of time in the foster care system. We shoot some hoops in the driveway sometimes. He just got accepted to U-Dub. We’re really proud of him.
Marian and I never had children and I suppose her kids are sort of proxies. Neither of us are infertile or anything like that. I guess we just never got around to it and did not feel a tremendous void in our lives without babies. Well, actually we do have one baby. Bownzer my old dog. He’s a brown lab and looks like a miniature walrus. We’ve got him on a special diet which has really helped get his weight down but I know for a fact he’s managed to find some neighbor’s porch where they leave cat food out and he’s pilfering it. But Marian and I have discussed this and we don’t want to lock him up in the house while we are away at work because he loves his freedom. He is actually something of a local neighborhood celebrity because of it.
When I first moved here (about a year and a half before Marian and I met), Bownzer was still a puppy, less than a year old. But he’d already developed some of his own behavioral weirdnesses. First off, he rubs his ass on the carpet. It’s pretty disgusting but the look of ecstasy on his face while he did it precluded me from yelling at him. At first. Eventually when I started to freak out it still didn’t matter. He’d give me a haunted sheepish look and then proceed to do drag his anus anyway. A coworker of Marian’s suggested anti depressants for him but we both that was retarded.
Marian was finally the one who came up with the brilliant idea of purchasing a rectangular patch of carpet for Bownzer to ease his affliction on. Sure enough she managed to train him to just wipe his ass on it and not anywhere else in the house. I am so grateful. His carpet is located in a discreet place behind a couch in the living room and we take it to the eco friendly dry cleaner every couple of weeks. But this isn’t why Bownzer is famous.
Bownzer found a dead body. Well, a part of one. See, before we had to put him on his diet, I always brought him home a nice big bone from the butcher each weekend. And he had a particular modus operandi with it. He always felt simultaneously proud of and very generous with his bone and when I’d be relaxing in front of the TV at night he liked to climb up on the couch and place it lovingly in my lap in case I wanted a chew. This was one of Bownzer’s acts of love.
Well one evening he’d spent a little longer outside than usual. I’d already showered and was half asleep on the couch when he climbed up there and joyfully dropped a man’s severed arm in my lap. “Holy jeezus shit!” I yelled and jumped up and fell over the coffee table.
I of course called the police. They never found the rest of the person the arm belonged to. They located the particular trash can Bownzer dug it out of but did not find anything else in there or in the other cans or at the county dump. They think it was related to drug dealing activity. Some of my earlier patients still make jokes about that story. I told Marian about it on our first date, which I suppose was a slightly grisly choice but you have to remember doctors are kind of distanced and clinical when it comes to the body.
That’s another area Marian and I have found compatibility in. I discuss bowel functions and mucosal secretions at the dinner table and she doesn’t mind one bit. She harbors no Puritanical hangups about the human body, and has a strong stomach. She finds my work interesting. We both fart on the couch together. And then blame it on Bownzer. It’s a match made in heaven.
And we are there for each other. I got viral encephalitis five years ago, I’d been working too hard and stressed out about my dad who was sick and I ended up running my body too far down. Marian had taken me on a ski trip try to give me a break. We weren’t gonna do much skiing, more like get a change of scenery, sleep in, relax in the hot tub, and roast marshmallows. But upon arrival I promptly shit my pants in the hotel lobby.
She got me upstairs and cleaned me up. I was already delirious. It hit very suddenly. I went from just feeling drained and little achey to having not one but two grand mal seizures. They carried me out of there on a stretcher. It took me a full six months to get back on track, and she was there for me every day. She took a leave of absence from work and cared for me herself.
Last year, when one of her parents got sick, I really wanted to be there for her too. Her mother was a smoker and drinker and she was diagnosed with emphysema. Once she was released from the hospital, she was very depressed and fretful about being chained to an oxygen tank and Marian and me were over at her house frequently trying to cheer her up.
Marian and her mother were not close when she was young, Marian said they butted heads constantly, that her mother was a control freak and a hard ass. It upset her to see someone who she once perceived as so powerful to be scared and feel so vulnerable. Yet they did begin to form a relationship they’d never had before. I saw a genuine bond begin to develop. It was cut short when later that summer her mom contracted pneumonia and was gone in five days. Marian was very broken up about it. And she stayed sad for a long time.
She went to her grave a couple times a month and I knew she was having a hard time. She was definitely depressed. It had been a year. I wanted to be there for her but I wasn’t sure what to do. We used to do a lot of fun things on weekends like going to the shooting range together or hunting for chanterelles in the Olympic National Park or catching a movie and dinner in the city. But something told me I’d have to come up with something different.
I don’t know what gave me this crazy idea or why I thought it would be appropriate but here’s what I did. One time years ago Marian had told me about a secret fantasy she had. She and I have always had a great sex life but we never got around to any kind of role playing or sex toys besides a vibrator. We were always pretty straightforward sexually.
But I’d remembered she told me one time how it might be fun for me to pick her up in some public place like I was a stranger, and take her to a hotel room. I thought that sounded corny as hell but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I asked her what kind of stranger am I? A tall dark one? And she said No, you’d be a scientist, a brilliant man, doing secret work for the government. Again, I thought that sounded somewhat lame and not that sexy really but she seemed to have it clear in her head how she’d visualized it.
I finally just said “Hmm interesting” and I let it drift. She never brought it up again either because I think even though I didn’t mean to, I embarrassed her. And the truth is, it’s because I was embarrassed. I am more comfortable in the world of science, I perform better in these well defined parameters. I never liked theater or artsy stuff. I guess I am afraid of not being good at something. At not getting it perfect. My folks always wanted me to be perfect. I guess it’s strange to have all these deep revelations come up all just because my wife had depression and I was thinking of finally initiating some harmless sexual fantasy with her but I did experience these particular insights.
I had some anxiety over this! But Marian had already helped me out because all I had to play was a scientist, and as a physician, that is not a far stretch. So first off I did some research so I would have a good script. I got on the laptop and learned about Nanobacteria. And then I waited until Friday and I rescheduled a couple patients so that I would have the afternoon and evening free. On Fridays, Marian customarily does some shopping downtown and then has a coffee at a certain coffee place and starts to unwind from the week there. I know this because I’ve talked to her on her cell there many times. I even know which specific couch she sits in.
I figured this would be the perfect place for her to meet the handsome and mysterious stranger scientist. I almost wore these wall street suspenders I graduated in but decided against it. I drove down there and parked. My palms were sweaty. I looked at my mug in the rearview mirror and took a deep breath and cruised on in there. It was a rainy windy day, what the ladies might term romantical. I stood there brushing the rain off my coat and saw her over at her favorite couch. There was a couple and a few students and teacher types sitting over there too, with laptops and coffees.
It had been a little while since I’d seen her out of context, not in our home, but in a public space as a separate autonomous human. We hadn’t gone out since before her mom became ill. Looking at my wife I was struck by how beautiful she is. She is still the prettiest woman I have ever seen. For a second I got a little turned on staring at her and thinking how I could have her. It gave me the courage to approach her. She was all surprised to see me and got up to give me a hug but I was prepared for that and said something cheesy like “I don’t believe we’ve met before”. She looked at me funny and so I quickly launched into my speech about how I was a lonely military biologist in town for a seminar and that I saw her from across the room and knew I had to introduce myself. I actually stuttered.
She started laughing and I could feel my face turning bright red. I was about to start laughing too but I was trying really hard to stay in character. But then she was like “Oh no! I’m sorry… okay uh” And she pulled herself together like she had caught on and then she smiled and put out her hand and introduced herself. “I’m Marian” she said. I shook her hand and she invited me to sit down, and made room on the couch for me.
I sat down and she asked me where I flew in from and I said DC (pulled that one out of my ass) and then she asked what I did for a living and that’s when I said “M’lady, allow me to explain to you about airborne nanobacteria.”
I told her I specialized in the study of the smallest pathogenic bioareosols we know of, excluding viruses. These nanobacteria, while significantly smaller than other cellular organisms, are thought to play a major role in the spread of disease and even in the formation of raindrops. Naturally the government is highly interested in the potentially crucial role my nanobacteria play in the “global dispersal of infective agents” as well as the “nucleation of raindrops.”
“What’s nucleation of raindrops?” Marion asked, and she crossed her legs in my direction.
I said that these tiny bacteria are excreted through the urine of various creatures, and after the fluid has evaporated, the winds simply blow them up into the atmosphere and stratosphere. Sticky proteins found on the surface of the nanobacteria act as very effective cloud condensation nuclei; they have a strong tendency to aggregate or stick together, forming clusters upon contact which creates a cloud seeding effect. When the clusters become large enough, they also become heavy enough to “drag” a raindrop down to earth with them. Thus, simultaneously creating precipitation and spreading potential disease across the globe with the rains.
Marian was looking at me very pleased I thought. I hadn’t seen her get this much of a kick out of anything in months. She murmured, “That was fascinating.” And I said “Yup.” And then we sat in an awkward silence. Then she scooted closer to me and asked where I was staying. “Oh yes right!” I said “I got us a hotel room! I mean,” I paused and deepened my voice. “I have a very nice suite at the Carlyle, if you care to join me”. She smiled real big and said she would. I helped her on with her coat and we took a cab to the hotel.
As soon as we got into the room we were tearing each other’s clothes off. I was so surprised how hot she was for me. And I was getting really turned on. It felt like the very beginning again. We were making out and I unsnapped her bra and pulled her panties down. Her bush is magnificent. There is a scene from some movie I saw with the actress Julianne Moore in it and she’s nude from the waist down. It is very apparent Miss Moore is a real redhead. My wife has the same almost supernaturally beautiful firecrotch. Her bush glows like a radioactive peach. I was so happy to bury my face in it. It had been a while. We fucked like teenagers again. On the bed, on the floor, back on the bed.
And then afterwards, we ordered room service and I lit a fire. We ate our hors d’oeuvres and mashed potatoes on a rug in front of the fire. I looked over at her. At my lady. I sat there beaming at her.
“Thank you” she said.
“Maid Marian” I said, and I kissed her.
Copyright © 2013 by Kim Campion